Woah! If it isn′t a Lightner!

Hey hey hey hey hey hey!

Looks like you're all alone on a late night?All your friends abandoned you for the slime you are?

Sales gone down the drain? Drain?

Living in a goddamn garbage can?

Hae-ahaa-hae-ahaa-eah!

Friend, either you′re closing your eyes

To savings you do not wish to acknowledge

Or you are not aware of the calibre of discounts

Indicated by the presence of a heart-shaped object

In your community

Hey, kid, look at you! Right time, right place!

Ripe for the picking! Right money in your pocket!

You're so lucky! Very lucky! Oh, so very, very lucky!

That you get to be investing in this Very Special Product

From everybody's favourite number one rated salesman

Circa 1997, mighty proud to say it! Mighty proud to say it!

Yes, I′m mighty proud to say it! Yes, sir!

Don′t you wanna have a little fun, little sponge?

Little something to pluck you from the glum humdrum?

Live comfortably, capital at risk! Yum, yum!

Listen up! For the offer only comes just once!

Hey, chum! I can see you're having violent thoughts!

But don′t you wanna wanna be a be a big shot?

Enquire today! While the secret's in stock!

All you gotta do is

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I used to be nothing but the email guy

Now I′m the "It burns! Ow! Stop! Stop! Help me! It burns!" guy

We've got never bettered bargains, we′ve got deals you won't believe

We can tell you what you want before you realise what you need

If you'll pardon us the jargon, here′s our Darkner guarantee

We take cash or card or credit, but we′ll take your heart for free

Are you feeling down? Have you lost control?

Is your life a mess? Do your friends despise you?

Well, here's one weird trick discovered by a mom

And I′m sure number five will surprise you

All you've ever dreamed of, shining, glistening

Gotta buckle up! Grab life by the silly string!

You can have it! You can have it! Say the word, it′s yours!

Eahaehaehaehaeh! I wasn't listening

See, it says just here, right here, last year

On the third of the fourth at five-o-six

You searched cat pics online, well, that′s just fine

Moist, delicious cookies

Little tippy tap kitty catalyst

Now we have a list

And we'll guess what ever habit is

Wanna buy a cat flap? Cat food? Catchup? Catamaran?

You'll be categorically catatonic

At the catalogue of categories I have at my hands

A cavalcade of all your favourite brands

An advertism schism cataclysm, cash on demand!

You′d better cancel your plans!

Cash for the crackers and the pickles and the flypaper!

Wanna buy a cat plush? Plush toy? Toy box? Box wine?

Why won′t Mike just call me?

Backgammon? Ham and eggs? Egg chair? Chair bed?

Bed bath? Bath sponge?

Sponge who hates it's $4.99?

Life boat? Boat shoe? Shoestring? String bean?

Bean bag? Bagpipes? Pipe bomb? Bomber jacket?

Jackdaw? Doorstop?

Stop! No, please! Don′t take my furniture!

Stopwatch? Watchdog? Dog collar? Colorado?

Adderall? Ads are all seeping! Ping pong? Ponchos?

Choke chains? Chainsaws? Swordfish-shish kebab-bobcat?

Do you want a cat or not?

Well, you wanna be a big shot, don't you?

Don′t you wanna be the next big thing?

You can do it! Yes, it's true, it′s really true

There's nothing to it, I can prove it!

Hear the registers ring!

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring

You're kidding? It′s for you

Wanna know a secret?

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You too can have a communion with—

Soon, I′ll even surpass that damned clown around town!

We've got never bettered bargains, we′ve got deals you won't believe

We can tell you what you want before you realise what you need

If you′ll pardon us the jargon, here's our Darkner guarantee

We take cash or card or credit, but we′ll take your heart for free

Holy cungadero, there, you funky, little worm

You seem unaware of all the money you could earn

If you wanna get the gold

Well, there is stuff you gotta learn

Milk the humans of their kindness

Then there's butter to be churned

You. Want. It. Need. It!

Don't. You. See?

But if you wanna make your screen green

You′re gonna need my Kromer key

Yes, you′ve got trouble, my friend! Whadayatalk?

Right here in Cyber City!

See, I used to be a top notch! Big shot!

Best deals! Best wheels! Best prices in the tri-state area

But you can get it back! Ha-ha-ha! Yes, you can!

All you gotta do is follow through my 12-step plan

Bigger, bigger, better, like the telephone was telling me

You gotta know the territory! Spend a hand, lend a hand

Who's gonna patronise a little bitty

Two by four kinda store anymore?

Gotta go! Gotta get! Gotta get on and go!

Make a deal! Big deal! High score! Our store is closing!

Hot tip! Drop shipping! Four, three, two, one!

Not skipping offers wired into your inbox

Swing by the gift shop! Think of the big shot!

All this and more, click

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Can anyone hear me?

Help

Mike

Mike?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

We′ve got never bettered bargains, we've got deals you won′t believe

We can tell you what you want before you realise what you need

If you'll pardon us the jargon, here′s our Darkner guarantee

We take cash or card or credit, but we'll take your heart for free

Insurance! Know that I'm the best in policy!

Honestly, do you wanna end in poverty?

Buddy, I′m the one to help invest it properly!

I′m here to talk about extended warranty!

It's a super, bumper, liquidation, last chance

First day, half price, fire sale like never before!

And it′s there to explore, when you step in the door

The very model of a modern major general store!

But the fact is everybody's gotta have it, gotta have it

Those who have it really have it

If you haven′t, well, you've had it, couldn′t hack it

Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the haves are very glad it′s

Just the haven′ts that're lacking what they′re having

Now the ads have got the traffic

And we've grabbed your demographic

So you′re packing up your basket

'Cause your dad has gotta have it

He′ll be sad if you don't wrap it with a tag, it'll be tragic

So you′re manically grabbing at the shelves amid the panic

Seems that everybody has it, man, you really gotta have it

So you get it, you′re ecstatic, but a crackle in the static

And the it is out of fashion, just a fad, a piece of plastic

So you trash it, then you get back in your car 'cause you don′t have it

And the fact is everybody's gotta have it, gotta have it

Those who have it really have it

If you haven′t, well, you've had it, couldn′t hack it

Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the haves are very glad it′s

Hochi mama! What a mouthful!

In the encyclopedia of being afraid

There ain′t nothing to be scared of 'til there′s fees to be paid

There's deals to be made with seasonal savings!

Regional ratings are lethally fading

Screaming and raving, ceaseless appraising

Neat, little plate with a needless engraving

Legally grey, but sweet with the phrasing

Feet in the grave, but gleefully trading

Feeding the cravings, eat, little plaything

Deals so good I′ll— myself

Feeding the cravings, eat, little plaything

Gone with the sugar barrel, pickle barrel, milk pan

Feeding the cravings, eat, little plaything

I can feel that smooth taste already!

Feeding the cravings, eat, little plaything

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