A notice to all Musicality students: Professor Stupendium′s lecture on awkward, white middle-class hip-hop and its use as a promotional tool will be starting in the lecture hall shortly

Thank you!

Welcome, students to Two Point U!

This campus we've established to point you

Down the path of academia and viewpoints new

And there′s a chance that you will leave here as employed, too!

We're certain that the circumstance could use a little pomp

With learning, you can turn your hand, just choose the skill you want

The young mind needs a-moulding and we do it with aplomb

Though no one ever specified just what to mould it from (hm)

Every course, of course, has been meticulously planned

Though standard Maths and Science is particularly bland

So, pick from our curriculum of kitchens, crypts and bands

You won't find a diploma simply digging in the sand!

What′s that? Oh, they will? Ah, Archaeology, right, yes, we do teach Archeology

In that case, you might want to start digging for that diploma now, before it starts to compost

Would the teacher′s pet please report to the nurse for microchipping and deworming

Thank you!

We're best in class for espionage, the course is sure to thrill you

But if I told you where it is, of course, I′d have to kill you

Embark upon the darker arts if morbidness fulfills you

Our dungeon's rather wonderous with all authentic mildew

There′s jousting in the grounds, see them gleaming in their chivalry

There's pizza in the kitchen, inconvenient for delivery

Or come improve your subterfuge and scheming for the ministry

And rest assured our Wizard School is big on inclusivity

Ah, young Mr. Toasterpastry, come in

I′m afraid I've called you to my office to talk about how you've been conducting yourself in the Music Lab

You see, you′re supposed to use a baton

Here at Two Point Campus, where our mind′s put to the test

Our scores in class stil can't surpass our piling student debts

Would a Mr. Danger, on the Deep Undercover Spy course, please be aware that your mother is at the office with your packed lunch

This tannoy will now self-destruct

Greer? Here

Pleasant? Present

Glendenning? Attending

Samson? Absent

Hardy? Tardy

Tate? Late

Glover? Undercover

Drake? Baked

Connors? Slightly fossilised

Sorry, I apologise

Ustinov? Goofing off!

And Robinson′s robotified

Have we got a Gideon?

Just pondering oblivion

Hurst? I'm a little cursed

But William′s amphibian

Hammam and Statery?

Ran out of battery

Cormack? On horseback and galloping gallantly

Pickering? Pickling

Coombes? Entombed

Hirshall? He's virtually trapped in normality

Higgins? Digging

Emily? Napping

Wrinkler? Tinkering

Gregory? Rapping

Owens and Cleese?

Throwing some cheese

Duncan flunked and that only leaves

Llewllin Mayhew Matt O′Grady Baudelaire Phipping Tim Matthau Witherspoon?

He fell in a huge vat of gravy, but they are fishing him back out with a spoon

The Fourth

And fork!

Eugh, I'm just going to put "absent"

Here at Two Point Campus, we've got straight A′s through the roof

Though we′re acutely aware that our degrees are quite obtuse

Students are reminded that, though we are contractually obligated to encourage you to follow your dreams, that does not excuse falling asleep in lectures

Thank you!

We're here to paint the future and now you can be the canvas

In that you′ll be hung out to dry as soon as fees are handed

Zoology? Neurology? We muddled up the pamphlets

We tried to hire Pavlov's Dog, but built a Hippo-Campus

We′ve scientific instruments, so come and get involved

Though one horrific incident Chemistry club dissolved

The canteen's packed with ten foot stacks of huge profiteroles

And a little dairy derring-do and you could win the gold (Go, team!)

Other faculties can grapple with the boring and uncomical

Our methods are methodic and we′ve taught the tautological

The courses may be dangerous and harm us very possible

You're fortunate we're neighbours with just far too many hospitals

Good afternoon, class!

I′m glad to see you′re all here to hand in your invisibility assignments

Or I'm in the wrong room

Yeah, this is camouflage class, mate

Here at Two Point Campus where the future′s being formed

But you've seen what we teach here, so don′t say that you weren't warned

Graduating students are encouraged to have the time of their lives. Because it′s all downhill from here

Thank you!