I believe there is nothing more manly one can do

Than take a shower with 5 other guys

It′s true, it's not a joke its early cavemenYou know

Cromagnum wandering through the fog

You know

Scrubbing 5 other sapians, no homo

I wanna do a poem for you, some poems for you

Right now, I′ve got chimes

Oh, a genie just came

Alright

Umm...

Now that we're halfway through the show

I'd like to sort of to take the umm...

The pressure of you, the audience, and just read some serious poetry

Then we′ll kinda go back to the giggles

This is from my book, "Egghead", that some of you may already have

Or something, so I won′t keep it too long

In case, you know, some of you have heard this stuff

But, uhh...

Just sit back and enjoy, uh, this, uh, poetry

"Roses are grey

Violets are a different shade of grey

Let's go chase cars."

That′s by a dog

This is a poem about women's bodies

And the ability to transform your body issues, and transcend them

"Martha was ugly like a shaved baboon

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon

And after a week, she finally emerged

She smelled like shit. What a psycho."

You can′t transcend them, I guess that's the... moral

"Me, with my strange choice of adjectives

You, with your muscular teeth

And your clockwise vagina"

"You′re incomparable, like a..."

Yeah, that's the word...

"I wanna beat you to death with a blunt object!

I wanna grab one of those high-end fashion

Mannequins by the ankles and bash your rib cage in!

I wanna sharpen 50 pencils

Bind them with a rubber band

Stick the lead ends in your mouth and punch the erasers!

I wanna strap you to a bed of nails

Then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car

So I can watch you suffer as we drive over the speed bumps

In a mall parking lot during an earthquake!

I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and somehow

Not survive a small fender-bender on the way back from the hospital"

That's called "Dad"

"If I had a million dollars, I′d pay your mother to have sex with me

Afterwards, I′d invest in the remaining $999,990"

$10 for sex with your mother!

Comedy!

I can see the light on your face, bitch! Stop texting!

Umm...

It's just a comment for someone in the crowd...

It′s your time, do what you want

And the texting won't show on the CD

So, that′s okay

Now look what I've done

And finally...

"Mid-October with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings

The streets dicing our town into neat unfair portions

And me...

Eating that pussy, baby..."

Thank you so mu-

Ohh man...

Thank you guys so much

Thank you for being a part of this, coming to the show, uh...

(Woo!)

I just need one person′s enthusiasm, that's all I need to carry it

"Oh, ow! I'm turned on and hurt!"

Um, I, so...

I-I-I-I-I am so grateful to you coming here

I know I keep saying that

It sounds redundant, but, uh...

My gratefulness is redundant

So, um...