Walking between the microphones

Is really awkward

Tell me about it!

Women are stupid!

... Shut up!

You know it, I know it

That they′re the weaker, dumber sex

I can prove it to you

I like to practice safe sex, why?

Because I'm a guy, and I′m smarter, obviously

What do women say, with their small brains, every time I put on a condom?

What do they say, every time?

"Why are you wearing a condom when I'm fucking you with a strap on?"

"To be safe, bitch!"

Right?

They're the- they′re the stupid ones

I think it′s time for a story, let's do a story

It′s time for a story, it's time for a story

A very special story especially for you

It′s time for a story, it's time for a story!

Sit down and listen, now don′t be a Jew!

This story is... um...

It was a glitch, you can be Jewish

This story... is called "Andy the Frog"

Featuring long and convoluted similes

Now I'll warn you when one of those long

And convoluted similes rears its old figurative head

So, here we go!

Once upon a time, there was a frog named Andy

Andy lived at the Patten Park Pond

And had never hopped anywhere else his entire frog life

He had three best friends

Millie, who never left her lily pad

Billie, who was always hopping mad

And Roger, who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn

So one day, one day...

Andy saw something hop across the grass on the other side of the pond!

"Millie, Billie, Roger, look!" said Andy

Across the pond stood the most beautiful frog that Andy had ever seen

"She's gorgeous!" said Millie

"She′s beautiful!" said Billie

"Bit old for my taste!" said Roger, classic Roger

And then she was gone

"I need to go find her," said Andy

"I need to follow my little frog heart"

So Andy followed the beautiful frogs footsteps into the forest

He then came across a turtle

"You can′t pass!", said the turtle

"Please?", said Andy

"No!", said the turtle

(And uh, this is the first long, convoluted simile)

Then, there was a rustling in the bushes

And like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle

The turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle

Andy kept moving, but at this point

Like the doctor of a Kenyan track team, his patience ran thin

Andy kept moving

He then came across a giant crocodile

And the crocodile began to chant

"I woke up this morning and I sat on a log

I opened up the menu and the menu said frog!"

Andy said, "No! No! Please let go of me

I can feel myself dying, you're ripping up my insides!

I′m never gonna find her am I?!

There's no god is there!

Is there?!

Fuck?!

Fuck!"

The end

Alright

Umm...

Yeah

You connected with it

If you′re curious the moral of that story is irrelevant

Because we're humans, and it was about a-

Why would it apply to us?