H-how old are you, buddy?

14? Is that your mother beside you?

This is getting awkward, isn′t it?Haha!

Well your mother's very cool, your mother′s very cool for bringing you

Remember that, remember when you get older she was cool and she brought you to a comedy show

Umm, (Woo!) Uh...

I-I have trouble getting along with my father

He's such a man's man, ya know

He lived his life by all these rules that I can′t possibly live by

He believes you should always fight fire with fire

Which is a horrible way to live your life, ′cause he was a firefighter

So, umm... so he was fired, Woops!

That was stupid, let's get a little stupider though!

There′s a creepy old man fishing in the park and the only problem is

He tied a candy bar to the end of his line he's tryna catch a kid

(Wink!)

For those listening on the CD

I mimed like I was catching the 14 year old that I was just talking to

Mom isn′t happy! Just guessing, not even looking

Alright...

Haha!

Oh...

Um, you know, people complain about the way I act on stage

They think I repeat jokes, and they think...

They don't get that the way I act on stage is just that, it′s an act!

You know, they think on stage I act too arrogant...

Too self obsessed, solipsistic, self contained, synonyms

And they want me to be...

They want me to be more a comic of the people

Relate to the beautiful people in this room with the over-arching glue of comedy

So let's do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys!

I'm like you guys, you know-

Once a week I like to slip into a deep existential depression

Where I lose all my sense oneness and self-worth

Haha!

And what I like to do, in order to assure myself that I am unique...

And I′m not just one of many small, white, indistinguishable perfectly cylindric

Checker pieces in Jesus and Satan′s backgammon game

Is... I-I... I will, guys I will try to say a group of words in a certain order

That I think no one has said them before

So that when I'm saying it, it′s like

"Look at me, participating in this new moment that no one has ever participated in"

And I feel like I'm receding out of the abyss

So I′ll say something random that no one's ever said, like uh...

Like "Peanut Butter Tribadism!" Or, uh...

Or, "I′m your father and I loved your comedy show..."

Or, "At first I wasn't comfortable leaving him alone with my child...

But then I saw his moustache, Phew!"

Or uh...

Or uh... "Did you see this Amish website?"

Or um...

"Oh yo baby, my life's about three things, baby!

Three simple things!

Gettin′ money, gettin′ pussy, and the Dewey Decimal System!"

Or um...

Or, "Hey can you hold my fanny pack?

I'm gonna go fuck a woman!"

Cause ya don′t hear 'em!

Uh, I′m giving you attention, girl that's wooing

Are you, are you happy now?

(I love you!)

You love me? That′s very nice

You love the idea of me, you don't know me, but that's okay

It′s called a parasocial relationship; it goes one way and is ultimately destructive, but please!

Keep buying all my shit forever!

It′s how it works!

Capitalism, I'm trapped!

It′s terrible, I'm a horrible person! Alright...