Hey baby, uh, it′s me, uhm

Our anniversary is coming up

It's a pretty big oneAnd, uhm, I wrote a song for you

So, I′m just leaving you this voicemail because, uhm

I want this song to begin with this voicemail

Like, I want the voicemail to play in the beginning of it

So, uh, if you could just download this voicemail when you get it and then text it to me

Uhm, you might need to, like, download another app to

Download the, I don't know if you can rip your voicemail right off your phone

You might need to, like

Just Google it

Don't call me and ask me

′Cause I know, I know what you′re gonna do, you're gonna

You′re gonna get this and you're gonna

Just think you just can′t do it and you're gonna call me

But then I′m just gonna Google it

So just you Google it, you're an adult, you can figure it out

Uhm, so just figure it out and text me the voicemail, uhm

Immediately, if you wouldn't mind

Like, right when you get this

Thank you, uhm, I love you, bye

You′re my best friend

I love you (love you, love you)

You know me and I know you (know you, know you)

We got problems that we′ve been through (been through, been through)

We got shit that we'll get through, uh

You think I′m rude to you

You think I am the worst

Because I ask when you suck my dick

You take out your Invisalign first

Come on

Five years, five years

Still you, still me, still here

Five years, five years, baby

Five years, five years

We order Chinese

I'm eating my dumplings

You reach over and you take my dumpling

You don′t even say, "Do you mind?" or nothing

Why would you assume that you're entitled to a dumpling?

So I look at you

You look back at me like, "What the fuck did I do?"

If you really wanted some dim sum

Then, you really shoulda gotten some when we put in the order"

You say, "You′re a psycho

And I, I don't wanna fight, so let's just drop this

It′s not a big deal"

Okay, but for the record you owe me a dumpling

I mean it, I won′t forget

You owe me a dumpling or a dumpling equivalent

Five years, five years

Still you, still me, still here

Five years, five years, baby

Five years, five years

We found a spider in the house

You freaked and you jumped up onto the couch

Since I was close and able

I jumped up on the coffee table

You said, "You should kill that"

I said, "Um, no, fuck that"

You said, "Come on, be a man"

What?

You're a total anti-sexist, a patriarchy fighter

But your whole worldview collapses the moment there′s a spider

Cool, I get it, this is the real you

It's a pleasure, nice to meet you

Shit like this brings the movement down

Everyone′s a feminist until there is a spider around

Five years, five years

Still you, still me, still here

Five years, five years, baby

Five years, five years

How come every time I need to take a poo in the bathroom

You, out of the blue, need to use the bathroom?

Just use the guest room bathroom

That's why we got two bathrooms

Just use the guest room bathroom

That′s why we got two bathrooms

And you know