Aquarius

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus

You are the tru Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus

You will never find tru happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and pre