Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single mornin

It wa driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines b