My new driver's license photo

Makes me look like Quasimoto

And all my clothes are styled for me

By Minnesota Fats

The diet drink I live on

Soon may take the place of Decon

Heard it killed 8-million Laboratory rats

Every night I dream of Ding Dongs

That are big enough for King Kong

And someday I may just be that big myself.

Stepped on the scales, put in a dime

Card came out, said "One at a time"

I tell ya friends, I really need some help

[chorus]

Cause I'm fat

I feel so fat

The bottoms of my feet

Are the only parts of me that's flat

In a society where thin is in

And lean is where it's at

Fat. Oh,hoo, hoo oo...Why do I have to be so fat?

You're so fat [background voices]

Started workouts with Jane Fonda

When I couldn't get in my Honda

I's determined I'd turn all my flab to lean

I would hear of some new diet

And I'd run right out and try it

Didn't eat a thing for weeks that wasn't green.

Every week down at the fat club

I would proudly stand up

Tell my weight loss, and give my testimony

Lost 50 pounds, I's feeling great

Just had one drink to celebrate

And went right out and ate

a french-fried shetland pony

[Chorus]

[begin standup comedy]:

Somebody put a bumber sticker on my car

Said honk if you've got groceries

I's just standing on a corner

And a cop came over, and asked me to break it up

Evel Knievel called

Wants to jump me

Earl Sheib wouln't paint me

for eighty-nine ninety-five

Good Year called

Wants me to join the fleet

Cover the next Superbowl

All the chairs in my house got seatbelts