Our son is four months old

His name is Anthony or Ash for short

And he′s too small to do things by himselfWe were in L.A. over Christmas in a rental and we jury-rigged

A place to change his diapers on a shelf

I was peeing in the bathroom

And had left for just a second

'Cause I thought he couldn′t move and he was safe

As I came out I saw him falling in slow motion to the floor

It was probably the worst moment of my life

And then I accidentally stole a thing of ChapStick from the Safeway

I didn't see it 'til we got out to the car

I would have usually returned it

But I was overwhelmed and late

To take the baby to my cousin′s up in Carmel Bay

In my defense, I′d bought like $87 worth of groceries

And the ChapStick was a $1.99

I know it wasn't the right thing to use

My newborn child as an excuse

But it felt like a good reason at the time

And as I pulled out of the parking lot I cried

And as I pulled onto the highway I said: right?

At least the baby didn′t die

At least the baby didn't die

And then we went to Sarasota

To see Neil′s cousin Helen

For her birthday she just turned ninety-nine

We were also there for Sidney

Who was ninety-four two days before

But he was sick, so mostly it was Ash and Helen time

She survived the Warsaw ghetto

And she always says: I love you

When she sees you 'cause she knows you never know

She′d worked for months while I was pregnant

On a gorgeous handmade blanket

Her almost-hundred-year-old hands crocheting every row

I'd been emailing her pictures of the baby and the blanket

Every day since she had sent it in the mail

But they were of one that someone else had knitted

She was really nice about it

Then I went and shoplifted a pair of ugly sunglasses

From Goodwill, they were on my head

I'd tried them on and left them there

But that′s not really bad compared to

When we left the baby in the car

At least he wasn′t in there very long

And not directly in the sun

And thank God no-one walking by

Happened to notice what we'd done

I′m even scared to put these lyrics in a song

But everything is relative and everyone's related

I can′t do that much right now

But take care of this baby

I figure everything's technically all right

If at least this baby doesn′t die

And then I took a plane to Washington alone

So we could visit Jason Webley who's his godfather

And plays a mean accordion

I couldn't wait to see him and share tales of our disasters

Over dinners in his houseboat

When I saw I′d lost my passport

So I got a rush appointment at the place where you replace them

And I drove the baby in

And on the way I got a speeding ticket

When the cop came to the window

I was shaking and I said I′m sorry

But you couldn't hear me

That′s how loud the sound of screaming was

'Cause he was hungry

And I think that I was speeding

′Cause I panic when I hear him cry

My God, what kind of a mother am I?

And as I pulled out of the breakdown lane I cried

And as I pulled out on the highway I said: right?

At least the baby didn't die

At least the baby didn′t die

While I was waiting for my passport I was hungry so

I twittered for a coffee in the neighborhood

And there I saw a woman who was sitting at the bar

And it was noon and she was drinking

And she called across the diner to me

How old is your baby?

And she smiled at us nursing

And she said she had a daughter who was grown

And then she paused

And said she also had a son

And when I'd paid and was about to leave

I picked him up

And crossed the room and touched her sleeve

I said: hey, this baby wanted to say hi

And she held him tight and she started to cry

And I'm sorry that this story′s gotten long

And that everybody′s crying in this song

And then I got back in the car and turned the radio and heater on

And sat there with the baby in the back

And they were talking about Syria and climate change and ISIS

And the candidates' positions on Iraq

I feel so useless in this universe

I know I could be doing worse

I′m trying hard to stay at peace inside

I know it's hard to be a parent

But this mess is so gigantic

I wonder if I should have had a child

And as I pulled out of the parking lot I cried

And as I pulled out on the highway I said: right

At least the baby didn′t die, right?

At least the baby didn't die

At least the baby didn′t die

At least the baby didn't die

I may not make it to the passport place on time

And they might revoke my license for a while

And I might get caught for retroactive theft

And I might get turned into the DSS

But at least the baby didn't die